A Third Wheel

Everyone knows the feeling when you’re with two other people who know each other so well that everything they say is an inside joke with one another, leaving you (intentionally or not) on the outside. From couples to a group of people who are best friends, we’ve all been there.

There have been a lot of times in my life where I feel like the third wheel.

While I don’t like believing people want to put me in that situation, it happens, and sometimes more often than I care to admit. I always leave wondering why I let myself into those situations, why didn’t I leave sooner? Typically the answer is, “They don’t really mean it; they’re my friends. They wouldn’t knowingly do that do me…. right?”

Unfortunately, I’ve been on the other side too. I’ve been in places where I make inside jokes around people who don’t know them, and then avoid giving an explanation. Usually it’s because I’m tired, or the story behind the joke is too long to explain, or I just don’t feel like it. I hate myself for it every single time.

That’s why I always make the effort to include the people around me, and make sure they know they are welcome in the group. Cliques bother me, there’s something not natural about them. They’re like a slap in the face; you think you’re welcome and then through people’s mannerisms you realize you’re not. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s something we do anyways. I even don’t like the term “best friend” because it sounds so exclusive, like no one else can be there for me ever in my entire life, so don’t even try. To me, the term “best friend” can be substituted for “closest friend,” because it’s a more honest representation.

I have two rules for myself: 1) If I don’t want to explain an inside joke, I don’t say it. 2) If I’m with a group of friends, and a close friend is there too, I will not focus only on my closest friend and shut the others out. I will include them in the conversation no matter what.

Those rules sound like no brainers, but sometimes I forget them. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to obey, which is wrong and I’m sorry for breaking them. However, I always remember the feeling of being on the outside, of wanting to be included and get to know the people I’m with and never given the chance to be a friend. That makes me want to make a friend and let them know someone is interested in their life, even if it’s for one conversation.

In my own life, I am beginning to realize that I do not have to be a third wheel. I do not have to put myself into situations where I feel left out and alone. I am important. I don’t have to live in “Third-Wheel Land” anymore. Yes, it will be hard but I know it is worth it.

So to the people who think they’re a third wheel, find me and tell me. I will be your friend.

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Five Minute Friday – True

Not going to lie, when I first saw the word for today I hoped I was looking at the wrong post. Being honest and truthful with myself is very difficult for me to do, mostly because I don’t always know what that looks like. If you were to ask me what my “true self” was, I wouldn’t know how the answer. I hope I would answer “Daughter of Christ,” but who knows if that would be the first thing that comes to my mind.

When I tried to answer that question, I tried not to think about it.

I am not an open person. It can take me over a year to warm up to someone and trust them completely. Even then, it doesn’t always happen that way.

Maybe it’s because I’m scared of getting hurt. Of getting abandoned. Of being rejected. But mostly getting abandoned.

It’s happened before, I just can’t remember by whom. I just know the scars are there. People will move in and out of my life, as I get older I’m learning this more and more. but there is a difference between moving in and out and abandoning a person. The latter kind hurts more than anyone knows. But the thing is, I’m scared I do it to others. I don’t want to, I don’t mean to. But sometimes I think I get distracted by my own busy life and forget to care about the people around me.

And for that, I’m sorry.

 

 

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This is me writing for five-six minutes without editing and with honesty. It’s not easy; but I won’t stop being honest with myself and others.

Linking-up with Lisa-Jo and other fmf ladies is something I’m starting to look forward to every week. Enjoy.

Confession: An Overwhelming Week

The other day I was at Wal-Mart when I happened to grab THE CART. You know that one I’m talking about, the one with the gimpy wheel that forces the cart to constantly turn to the right. Never had I experience driving such a stubborn cart. But did I switch it out for an easier one? No, because I am more stubborn than that cart, and by golly I was going to prove it! So I grabbed that sucker and forced it to go in the direction I wanted to. I proudly grinned to myself when I finished my trip, knowing I had won. However, victory came at a cost. I was frustrated the entire time I was at the store and the carpel tunnel in my wrist started to hurt badly by the end. By the time I made it to my car I was proud I made that cart obey me, but deep down inside me I knew the frustration and the pain in my wrist wasn’t worth it.

There are days when I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I am behind on my homework, staying in touch with people, and life in general. This past week I have realized that I am an indecisive perfectionist. I want things to be perfect, but I never know when they are (Advanced Screenwriting homework, I’m lookin’ at you). So what do I do? Take charge and make a decision? Heck no! That’d be too easy! I wait around until I absolutely have to make a decision, and usually that ends up stressing me out even more.

Why do I do that? Because I don’t like the easy route because, well…. it’s easy. I like to challenge myself and will often purposefully pick that harder route so I can feel awesome when I accomplish it (hence my shopping cart adventure). But usually I don’t feel awesome. Instead I feel worn out because I spend the entire journey stressing out over how hard it was, and then beating myself up for picking the harder homework assignment (or the stubborn shopping cart). Why? So I could prove I’m awesome. To who? I guess just me; but if other people notice that’s fine too.

When will I learn better? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I still have a lot to learn, but living in God’s grace helps me to forgive myself. So I’m going to keep trying my best, telling myself I don’t have to be perfect and then give myself grace when I don’t listen to my own advice. That’s part of what growing up is, right? Learning to give yourself grace? At least I hope so, because I’m going to need a lot of it because that’s not the last stubborn shopping cart I will encounter.

Mercy – Five Minute Friday

Mercy. A lot of things come to mind when I think of the word Mercy, but mostly I have an image of Jesus extending his hand out towards me with a smile on his face. And no matter how hard I’ve tried, how many times I have failed, how many times I wasn’t my best or perfect in that week, I feel better. Sometimes though I feel a little guilty, like I didn’t try hard enough and don’t deserve it.
BUT I DO!!!!
Despite everything I go through and mess up on, I can take a deep breath and surrender it all to him. I don’t have to try any more, He loves me just as I am. Faults and all.
Mercy is a big word. A REALLY big word. But it’s also a beautiful one. One that strikes awe into my heart, and I love that. and fear that. It exposes me for who I truly am, and I don’t like being exposed. But Mercy is a big enough word to cover everything and all my mistakes. And I like that. I like that a lot. :)

 

Starting this thing where I join a bunch of other lovely women and write about one word, for 5 Minutes, unedited. Linking up with Lisa-Jo for 5 Minute Friday!

Not My Plans

I’m at a time in my life where I am expected to have a plan for my future. I have already begun to brace myself for the same four questions that people will start asking me until I graduate from college.

    What will you do after you graduate?

    What do you want to do with your major?

    Where do you want to go? 

    Do you know what you want to do next?

While I do have a basic idea of what I want to do, my plans for getting there are already being foiled.

The things I think I need to do in order to prepare for life after college don’t work out. I haven’t even begun to learn the skills I want to achieve. What’s my five-year plan once May 2014 hits? I honestly don’t know. If I stand still and look out upon my life I realize there are several directions I could go right now, all of them different.

But I am learning one thing: my plans are not His plans.

I can do my best to prepare myself for what I think the future may hold, but it will probably be completely different from what I imagine.  I’m learning that sometimes that might be for the best.

So, I can lie awake at night and beat myself up over the fact that life is not going the way I planned, or realize His plans are bigger than mine, and a whole lot better.